During those days, I either felt a gnawing pain upon swallowing or I  was  so restless with the burning sensation of my entire body but there is more excruciating than those two; it is the helplessness and the misery that you feel when you are sick, hungry and alone. Deafening voices echoes in my dark room saying, "this is not your home, you are alone". 

For days I've been complaining that I wish I could spend more time with God  each day, the way that I used to. But when virus and streptococcus invaded my system, I was left with no choice but to stay in bed and  talk to no one but God. 

I may not be in a state of delirium (thank God!)  but I was in a state of helplessness, in a state of desolation. 

While nursing myself, I get to miss my mother and brother so much. I had gazillions of "if only". 

 If only mama is around, I would surely have a bowl of hot soup

 If only mama is around I will not do a tepid sponge bath to myself

 If only kuya is around, I will surely not be hungry. 

 If only I am home, I will surely feel better. 

If only I AM HOME!!!

As I allowed myself to be drowned by pessimism, I cried out 

"I WANNA GO HOME! I DON'T WANNA BE HERE!"

the ranting and the demands continued...

then I stopped  and I asked myself, "you are referring to what home?"

When I could not find a relevant answer, I closed my eyes and slept. 

Tonight, as I am writing this blog in a pink-polka dot- pajamas,  I found an answer to my question a week ago. 

"Home is where you feel you belong to a family. A family that is enveloped with love, care, acceptance and respect for each other". 

I am spending the night in a house of  a Couple Coordinator that I just met some  hours ago. Since they insisted that I will not take the risk of travelling in wee hours, they provided everything for my overnight stay, including the pink polka dots pajama that I am wearing at the moment :))) 

I may be a stranger to them but they did not just opened their doors for me, they offered everything that I needed. I feel their warmth, care and love. I recognize  the familiar aroma of being "at home". 

Having been transferred to the metro entails so much adjustment, adjustments that left me with no choice but to adjust. :)  My sentiments and rantings are all by-products of going against the flow of change. I  looked intently on the differences, I dwell so much  on what had been, I demanded so much on "sense of familiarity"  only to realize that I can never experience the same things when I am at a different place with different people. 

I Miss Cebu so much; the life, people, food ----everything!

But I am in Metro Manila right now, a place for growth, a place where I am called to be, a place where I can replicate friendships and families that I have in Cebu. 

In my days of illness I get to realize that God wants us to be present where we are;  right here, right now regardless how difficult, challenging and unbearable. God's present for us is what we have at present, rest assured that whatever we will be facing, better days shall come! He is brewing for the things  that He will serve on our plate in  our better days !!! 

 It is inappropriate to say that I  miss home because I   have  a home in Metro Manila. 

Instead I say, I miss my families and friends in Cebu and Cabadbaran! 

If home is where God is 

and if God is everywhere

then we surely have a home everywhere we will go! 

"Notice the ravens: they do not sow or reap; they have neither storehouse nor barn, yet God feeds them. How much more important are you than birds! ... If God so clothes the grass in the field that grows and is thrown into the oven tomorrow,will he not much more provide for you..." - Luke 12:24,28