November 15, 2012

Communaute de Taize

                                                 -Alice Sebold, the Lovely Bones

It was one of the cold and dark afternoons that I chose to stay in my room and read a book. I am reading this book for 3 days now and I find it so hard to drop this book and stop reading. There is something in this book that attracts me so much, I feel that the writer is speaking on my behalf --- at certain point. 

(If you have read ... It Started with a Loss
you will get to follow this story)

My tears cannot stop from flowing, I cried so hard to a point of sobbing; this afternoon is not an another afternoon; I found myself in the shoes of Susie Salmon; the girl who was murdered when she was fourteen. Even years after her death, she remained alive in her father's mind and heart; she never allowed him to let go of her. She keeps on visiting her family. Absurd it may seem but I am like Susie Salmon in the world of the living, I never allowed my father to let go of me. He is still alive in my present.

I came to realize that I am over-sentimentalizing my story, I always narrate my story with Papa as tragic and poignant; it is my way of keeping him alive. By doing so, it makes me feel that he is still able to guide me and inspire me even 14 years after his death. It is not that my painful past haunts me, but it is I who keep on visiting and haunting my past.

"It is normal to remember and miss your father, but you have to go on with your life. When you come to know the stories of other people, you come to realize that your story is in the middle of different more poignant stories of other people", this is what my contact sister (a St. Andrew's nun  that looks after my welfare) told me.

  I have never willingly allowed anyone to call me "Crystha",  my first name is so special to me because its how my father calls me when he was still alive. The sun and the moon as well as the stars had long been conniving to make me realize that I have to fully let go of my past, yet I became addicted to the pain that its remnants stayed like a leech.

This is my welcome sign that my roommates made for me :)

I believe that everything that I am experiencing here in Taize is teaching me something, so it is not by chance that I am "Crystha" in this part of  the world. "Hi! I am Crystha from Philippines", it is how I introduce myself to others. Funny how I became too willing to be called Crystha, realizing that it is becoming common and ordinary, nothing too special nor sentimental!

Because of that fateful afternoon, I came to confront and console that twelve year old girl who lost her father on December 12, 1998; "Papa left years ago but you lived a good life. His lost is not the cause of your emptiness but dwelling on that lost is. You have a good and better life ahead of you, move forward without haunting your tragic past".

After so much prayers, I am now at peace. Long have I been healed, I just keep on crouching that scars in my heart. Do not let your past control your present. A beautiful life awaits beyond that door, you just need to decide to take a step out from the darkness that you are dwelling.



This is the chant that i repeatedly sung those times:
"Jésus le Christ, lumière intérieure, ne laisse pas mes ténèbres me parler. Jésus le Christ, lumière intérieure, donne-moi d'accueillir ton amour."

Jesus Christ, inner light, do not let my darkness speak to me. Jesus Christ, inner light, enable me to welcome your love.


And so I leave you these questions:

What do you associate with the phrase "move on"?
What stops you from fully moving on?
How long have you been there?
Until when are you gonna stay there?