I was struck by the words of the priest that I had confession  with  in St. Peter Basilica. Receiving the Sacrament of Reconciliation has been my oasis ever since, but going to confession in St. Peter Basilica was really not part of my itinerary on that day. Why should I? I am in Vatican! There are far greater and more beautiful places to go! Yet,  the perks of roaming around the Vatican alone led me to the  right side of the altar of the Basilica where there was a sign that reads "confession".

Bless me Father for I have sinned.... I thought it will just be a very short confession. What  will you  confess when you have spent two months of your life in a monastery; spending time in prayer and silence? But when I was about to end confessing my sinfulness, I paused, took a deep breath and said, "Father, why do I always feel that I am a sinner? My past failures and mistakes keeps on  coming back, creeping in my heart?". 

"Believe that you have  a new life with the Lord", I heard the priest's words so clear and loud before I left the  confession box. 

I came to realize that I have never believed that I can have new life (I do from time to time perhaps). It seems like there is always a voice that keeps on telling me, "You will always be a sinner, a failure, and you will never be worthy of God's love". It is contrary to what Christ has been telling me after I have found and met Him, "Come as you are. I will love you even more".

Following Christ is taking up our own cross of sinfulness and taking part in His resurrection --- that we will all rise after we failed. Sounds so easy utter yet so hard to fully live by. 

I traveled halfway around the world to befriend myself, to accept my limitations, weaknesses and failure. Accepting myself is more than just forgiving and forgetting, it is about embracing fully the beloved that Christ died for. 

Go and sin no more. This commandment of God holds true with Judas and Peter. Judas, after he betrayed Christ, dwell on his mistakes and end his life. Peter on the other hand, after he denied Christ, repent and transcends from his mistakes; then he became the first Pope of our Church.

Do you really love God? Then like St. Peter; go, sin no more and dwell in the Kingdom of Love.

Now I understand why I went to St. Peter Basilica alone. :)